It was the end of the game. One minute, thirteen seconds left on the clock in Super Bowl VII. We were down by 7 points. The Los Angeles Coliseum produced waves of sound rushing at me onto the field. One thousand thoughts raced through my brain about the final play. My stomach twisted itself into a pretzel. The whole game was riding on my shoulders; it all depended on this final throw. The crowd roared as five seconds slowly ticked off the clock. Those five seconds felt like a lifetime. But, for the moment, the world was silent. I detached my mind from the atmosphere around me and focused all my thought onto the game laid out before me. All I could hear was the rapid pounding of my heart. I felt as if it would leap out of my chest and onto the freshly cut grass. My eyes scanned the field in every direction searching for an open shot, when Dolphin’s, Manny Fernandez, appears out of nowhere, blocking my line of vision. I had to try to slide the ball past his extended arms that were protruding into the air. It was 4th down, all or nothing. I launched the ball directly down the center of the field. Immediately after, I get knocked out with 250 pounds of pure adrenaline as Fernandez pummels me to the ground. I lie there anxiously waiting to find out the outcome of my throw. I sit up to discover the sight of the Miami Dolphins charging to the center of the field and bouncing around into a mob of celebration, realizing that they had just won the Super Bowl. At once, my heart plunges into my stomach, taking in the fact that we came all this way to let the win slip through our fingers.
I like this overall. There is inconsistency with the tense you used and the sentences seem choppy in some places, but I really love the way the story puts the reader into the head of the quarterback.
ReplyDeleteI like that you have the time throughout the entire blog. It gives the piece a sense of time. I like the sentence, "I felt as if it would leap out of my chest and onto the freshly cut grass."
ReplyDeleteYou switch between past and present tense a lot in the blog. Other than that i loved it. The end was great when you tell about the Dolphins celebrating
ReplyDeleteI liked how you used good description by explaining how the quarterback was reacting. It was different because you always see these situations end in a team winning the game, but it was good to see it from a different perspective.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was really good. It had impact on me since I have been in similar situations myself, I know how devastating losing actually is. I was impressed when you used actual people’s names that play, as if the quarterback was actually saying it and not just a spectator. Good descriptions of the freshly cut grass and the 250 pounds of pure adrenaline.
ReplyDeleteSame ol' story: very good description (adjectives, verbs, and description), but the piece is marred by elementary sentencing.
ReplyDeleteSo. . . we are going to have to fight. I see no other way. I will fight you if that is what it takes to get you to write graceful sentences. I still think this won't be too tough, because I have never really seen someone like you who has all the other writing pieces down solid, but is plagued by repetitive sentence lengths.
That is the next project for you and me. :-)